I'm No Hero
by PsychoticSushi
Summary: After a fight with her boyfriend/almost-fiancee,Allie somehow ends up in the freakiest place she's ever seen.And boy is she pissed.She sets off to find him,and finds conspiracy,betrayal,and a really annoying guy with a weird hat.
1. Down a BigAss Rabbit Hole

**Hear me out, people of the ever-mysterious internet!**

**..Wow, that sounded really smart.**

**Anyway. I know there are probably plenty of these Mary-Sue characters that get sucked down the rabbit hole floating around the Alice in Wonderland fanfic world.**

**BUT, no one quite does it like me.**

**I, unlike most, have an actual plot, story-line, and NO, my character is NOT a long-lost relative of Alice, or accompanying Alice.**

**They're not even in the same century.**

**So, just give it a shot, it'll get better once i put up more chapps, i swear!**

**Ahem...er, Enjoy!**

* * *

"Worst...day...in history," she mumbled to herself, feet aching.

She had taken the stupid heels off hours ago.

What was Allie doing here? How did she go from having an awesome vacation to wandering aimlessly in the rain?

"Good question," she replied to no one in particular.

If she hadn't been so miserable, she would've marveled at the beauty of the seemingly ancient London forest. Allie couldn't even remember how she ended up here, but it was nice and quiet.

Well, except for the ominous howling in the distance and the even more ominous thunder crackling above her head.

Her bare arms suddenly responded to something in the air, as did the hairs on the back of her neck. She felt as if she were being watched.

Was it Johnny? Had he come to find her??

"...Johnny?" She called out, practically shouting to be heard over the rain and thunder. Allie squinted as the bottom dropped out, shivering. There was a figure less than a foot away from her, totally at ease with the sudden downpour.

She sighed with relief as some lightning revealed the person to be Johnny.

"Oh, thank God. Look, let's just talk this over somewhere warm, okay?"

He simply turned and kept walking.

Allie watched him go, mouth slack. He did NOT just do that.

"John? Come on now, this is stupid. I didn't flat-out say _no_...it was just so _sudden_, is all! _Johnny_!"

She sighed and lifted her dress a little, stomping through the mud after him.

"Just...Just hear me out, you..you _wuss_!!" She finally shouted, temper flaring.

He slowed to a stop, hand resting on something. She could barely make out the base of a tree.

His sigh could be heard, even over the rain. "You weren't supposed to follow me, Allie. You weren't supposed to be here. But now that you are..." She heard something land on the soft ground with a thud.

"Put it on. And never take it off. Unless you no longer value your life."

* * *

Allie put her hands on her hips defiantly. "Why are you talking to me so _intelligently _all of a sudden? Why couldn't you talk during that awkward silence in that old gazebo in the square, _huh_?"

He ignored her, his British accent getting heavier as his impatience grew. "_Go away_, Allie. I'm warning you!"

"_No_, you ass!"

She knew she was being bitchy, but dammit, she was pissed!

He pointed wordlessly to the object in the ground, and she bent down to see what it was. It was the ring.

She took it, about to throw it back at his idiotic chest, but with a crack of thunder, he was just...gone.

Allie looked for him as best she could in the rain.

"...Johnny?"

* * *

She sighed. This was so freaking stupid. _No_ guy was worth this.

She heard an ominous crackling in the stubby little tree he had been leaning on. Allie slipped the ring on and, picking her dress up, trudged over to it curiously.

Allie's lips parted in amazement as the crackling grew louder. Was that a...

"...Rabbit hole. A really, really, _really _big-ass rabbit hole."

She put a hand in front of the opening, then drew back with a gasp. It was warm!

Allie sighed and shook her head. "That's it. I'm having hallucinations. I'm officially breaking _up _with him, that's _it_, I'm getting the _first _flight outta here, that is IT!!" She told herself determinedly.

She then cried out in horror as the rabbit hole sort of twisted itself, and she could've sworn something pulled her in.

And then she was falling.

* * *

The fall wasn't pleasant.

Wasn't pleasant at all.

She sort of wished she had been Alice in those Disney movies; hadn't she had a nice, _leisurely _fall?

"Psh, that's impossible, though. To have a slow fall." Then she realized; wasn't it _also_ impossible to face-plant into the floor of a rabbit hole and be talking about Disney movies??

Allie sat up, rubbing her face tenderly.

There were several doors, a curtain, and a table in the small room.

She tried the doors. Locked.

Seeing this as a "Why Not?" moment, she tried kicking the doors open like one of Charlie's Angels.

It didn't work, but she still did the crouching-gun-stance with some slight satisfaction.

Allie looked up, and started panicking as it dawned on her how extremely _bad_ the situation was.

There was _no _freaking way she could climb her way out, not in _this _stupid dress. _Although...maybe if I use that curtain over there..._

She was about to rip it off its hanger when she noticed an extremely tiny door behind it.

Allie let out a breath slowly. "Damn. Not even Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton could get through that. Actually, I don't even think _half_ of them could..."

She looked around, and then her eyes rested on the table. There was a tiny key, most likely fit for the tiny door, and a bottle that was clearly marked "Drink Me".

* * *

Was this some sadistic killer's hideout for an Alice in Wonderland fantasy? She _had _recently seen The Lovely Bones. Those killers were pretty freaking creative these days..

At least she wasn't blonde. And her name wasn't Alice. And she didn't have sparkling blue eyes. So maybe he would let her go, saying she wasn't his type.

OR, she could make her own escape and avoid him entirely.

Allie decided to take her chances with the mysterious liquid.

* * *

Grasping the key and bottle top in one hand, she took a cautious sip of it.

She gagged, making a face. It tasted like Robitussin, that cough medicine. Which...tasted like that German alohol that she had never been able to pronounce.

So, in theory, could she drink this and get herself drunk enough to totally evade the situation??

Allie grinned eagerly, but before she could take a big swig, she felt tingles all over.

* * *

Oh, no. It was drugged. This was the sadistic killer's plan all along!! She should've seen this coming...

_Oh my God. _What if this was one of Saw's games?! Was he real?! Was Jigsaw going to come in on his little bike any minute?

Allie was spazzing out so much, she even thought for a second that the room was stretching, getting taller.

"..Naaah, I'm just shrinking. ...Wait, _what_?!"

Allie started freaking out even more, spinning in circles randomly, yelling "Aaahhh!!" at the top of her lungs. Not like she had any better ideas.

She was only twenty-two, for Pete's sake! She was too young to die like this!!

Finally, she stopped shrinking, and realized she could now unlock the tiny door and and then waltz right through it.

So...his plan was to turn her into...a..leprechaun? Or a pixie? She checked her back. No wings.

Damn. Now she couldn't fly up and out the rabbit hole.

Looked like forward was her only option.

Allie hesitantly unlocked the door, and it swung open silently.

* * *

Her jaw dropped as she took in the sight. Extremely tall grass, sleeping flowers with slightly creepy faces, fireflies flitting here and there lazily.

It would be pretty nice if she wasn't still trying to figure out if this was all set up by some sick, twisted freak or not.

Allie also realized Johnny might be here, because there were only so many places he could've randomly appeared in.

She held her chin up a little higher, trying to ignore the fact that she was shivering, clad only in a slip she had worn under her extremely expensive evening dress Johnny had bought her less than twenty-four hours ago.

This was insane and extremely terrifying, but either way, she was determined to get out of here with at least her pride still intact.

"I swear to you, Johnny Billings, I _will_ find you, and you _will_ face my wrath," she stated through clenched teeth, starting her trek through this strange new environment.

* * *

**Well, what do you think? It'll pick up.**

**Reviews would be awesome!**


	2. Mice,Rabbits,and Weird Hats

**I'm back! **

**Really lovin all the faves and alerts with just the first chapp, its awesome. Never even saw it coming.**

**Hope this one's just as good!**

**Enjoy.**

**Oh, also: a little mental note-- Allie is from America. And the South. Remember that. You'll see what i mean!**

* * *

It had probably only been about two hours since she started walking, but to Allie, it felt like years.

She was miserable. Confused, lonely, pissed beyond belief, sore, and freezing.

And tired. Especially tired.

"When I find you, Johnny, you'll be lucky if I don't kill you right on the spot," Allie mumbled for about the fifth time to herself.

She stiffened as the top of her head tingled, and the hairs on the back of her neck stood straight up.

Something was following her. She slowly turned around, slightly hopeful that the mysterious presence might have food or something.

Needless to say, Allie felt like a doomed idiot when she tilted her head up to view the face of the ugliest creature she had ever seen.

"...Well. _You're_ not exactly a nice old lady with cookies, now, _are _you?" Allie whispered to herself quietly.

* * *

It roared, and she roared back as loud as she could.

For a moment, it worked, because it paused and sat back on its haunches. Allie gulped; each claw was bigger than _two_ of her.

But then it sprung into action, and she screamed and sprinted for some cover.

Allie had heard somewhere that if running from a wild animal was extremely necessary, it was a good idea to run in a straight line. But running in zigzags sounded more realistic to her, so she did that instead.

Allie searched the incredibly green meadow for a stump, a boulder, anything.

Sadly, she was only six inches tall, therefore not able to climb a tree. As the realization that her options were dangerously limited hit her, Allie spazzed more and more.

Finally, she let out a blood-curdling shriek and dove into a tiny hole.

Allie laid there curled up, barely daring to move as she heard the clicking of bugs around her. She flinched as the monster stomped above her, and she finally heard its tail swishing away.

Allie waited until the stomps were barely audible before diving for the opening. Practically hyperventilating, she brushed the dirt and bugs off her spastically. She _hated_ bugs.

Just as she was starting to calm down, she heard eery chuckling behind her. Allie slowly turned around, and there was a floating mouth in her line of vision.

Allie paled. And she thought the mouth on the _Dairy Queen commercials _was creepy.

To her horror, it spoke. "Why, hello there. It has been quite a while since I spied a body so short with no wings on their backs, or bells on their toes."

Allie's mouth opened and closed like a fish as it smiled widely, and she promptly fainted with a groan and slightly-crazed giggle.

The mouth made a tsking noise. "...Oh, dear."

_**

* * *

**__**HOURS ****LATER...**_

"Unnnggghhh," Allie moaned to herself, wanting desperately to open her eyes, but scared of what she'd see this time.

Sadly, she was way too curious for her own good, and slowly opened one eye.

She realized she was on a cushion, which explained why her butt and back felt so much better. There was clinking noises in the background of her thoughts, and she slowly opened the other eye, blinking both eyes furiously.

"Oh, it's awake," whispered a female voice.

"I'm sure she likes to be referred to as a 'she', _not_an 'it'," a male voice that sounded, well, delighted, replied matter-of-factly.

Allie slowly sat up, and her head immediately started throbbing. She rubbed the back of her head tenderly, taking in her surroundings.

The chair she was perched on was pretty freaking high now that she wasn't even a foot tall. There were three other...things at the table.

A scruffy-looking mouse with a hand on its sword instinctively, a diseased-looking rabbit laughing to himself, and an extremely colorful dude with a weird hat, calmly taking a swig out of his cup.

She was at a...tea party??

Allie covered half of her face with one hand tiredly. "_Just_ when I thought this couldn't get much weirder..."

* * *

"Welcome. We were just discussing when you might join us," the guy stated cheerfully. TOO cheerfully.

Allie suspiciously glanced down at herself. Her slip was still on, thank God. Okay, so maybe he wasn't a pervert.

Maybe.

"What do they call you?" The mouse asked suspiciously.

"The name's Allie."

"Is that a nickname for Alice, mayhap?" The rabbit asked with sudden eagerness.

"...Nooo..." She said slowly. "My name's just...Allie."

He and the mouse sighed with disappointment.

Happy-Boy remained neutral.

"...Sorry?" She asked slowly.

"You will have to excuse them. We know a friend of the name Alice," Happy-Boy explained, his tone slightly colored with sadness.

Interesting. She'd ask about that sometime.

The mouse scoffed at her rabbit friend. "Honestly, you _must_ be delusional. Our Alice was much prettier and dressed much more decent than _that_!" She exclaimed, waving at Allie's clothes disdainfully.

"Hey!!" Allie shouted. "_Excuuuusee_ me for not bringing some spare clothes for when I fell down a rabbit hole and shrunk till my dress didn't fit me!!"

"One should always be prepared," was her simple reply.

Allie folded her arms over her chest and huffed defiantly.

Happy-Boy perked up at this. "Shrunk, you say? Why didn't you mention that upright? I have just the thing for that."

"Hmmm, must've slipped my mind during my period of unconsciousness," Allie muttered to herself sarcastically.

Happy-Boy rifled through some things on the more-than-slightly-cluttered tea table, and held up a cake bigger than her triumphantly.

Allie eyed it, and her stomach growled. She hadn't eaten since that stupid dinner. Stupid Johnny. What a selfish dumbass. What a, a-

"Ah-ha! Just a bite of this, and you should return to normal size. Only one bite, though. Don't want to be the size of a house," he warned, interrupting her thoughts.

How annoying. But whatever. She missed being of average height.

* * *

Allie cautiously took it out of his seemingly giant hand, and took a small bite. Almost immediately, she grew to normal size with an all-over tingle.

To her immediate relief, her slip stayed on, albeit a tad shorter. But it covered her, and stopped about five inches or so above her knee, so she counted herself lucky.

The mouse eyed her suspiciously. "She's still awful short. Much shorter than Alice."

Happy-Boy waved her off. "I disagree, she is of about the same height. Either way, it is rude to compare one lady to another."

_Yeah, you __tell__ her, Happy-Boy! _Allie silently added with a smirk.

Mouse Lady huffed. "Hmm."

She continued to eye Allie cautiously.

Allie looked to Happy-Boy. "So. Where am I, and why was I pulled down a rabbit hole?"

"This is Underland. As to why you were pulled down a rabbit hole...were you leaning close to it?"

"Well...maybe, but-"

"Then that is most likely the reason, Ms. Allie."

_Sigh_. She was starting to get a headache.

"Right. Well, how do I get back home?"

"That is a matter to bring to the White Queen."

Allie clapped her hands together. "Great. Splendid. Magnificently spectacular. Where's this White Queen chick?"

"She is not a hen's spawn, she is a woman of high stature!" Mouse-Lady raved.

Allie held her hands up in surrender. "I didn't mean _that_!! Where I come from, chick is the same as woman, or lady, or girl, or female. Whatever cranks your tractor."

The rabbit nodded slowly as if having an epiphany. "Ah. She is a farmer. I hear they talk in such ways."

Allie sighed. "No, no, I'm not. This whole Redneck thing, _reeeaallly _gets annoying."

_Isn't it amazing how even these Underland people know about Rednecks??_

"Why, your neck is not red at all! It is alarmingly pale," Happy-Boy commented.

"Yes, what you can see from under all the filth. Alice would never get herself so dirty," Mouse-Lady replied haughtily.

"Oh, yes, she would," Happy-Boy said with a chuckle.

* * *

Allie sighed. All these Alice references.

Wait. Alice..as in THE Alice, from that Lewis-what's-his-face story??

Was it possible she was in...no, Happy-Boy had called it Underland..._unless_...

"Hey, Happy-Boy. What's your name?" Allie asked suddenly.

Happy-Boy pointed to himself. "Are you referring to me?"

"Why, yes. Yes, I am," Allie answered impatiently.

"...Why, my name is Hatter."

Allie's blood ran cold. Her face became ashen as it dawned on her.

"...Ho...ly...SHIT."

Mouse-Lady was utterly appaled, and the rabbit howled with laughter, but Allie started pacing, spazzing out.

"This is...not..possible! NOT POSSIBLE!! This..is...WONDERLAND!!!!!! OHHHH SHIT, JOHNNY, YOU'RE FREAKING DEAD, YOU HEAR ME?!" She shouted at the sky, causing a couple birds to fly off in the distance.

"...I think she's gone mad, the foul-mouthed savage," Mouse-Lady whispered.

Hatter chuckled. "I gathered as much. Isn't it lovely?"

* * *

**If i were Johnny, I'd be cringing in fear right about now.**

**I'D kill him, too, if he pulled this crap on ME!**

**Haha.**

**Review!**


	3. Field Trips and James Bond Movies

**Thanks for the reviews! Not as many as I'd like (not hardly, HINT-HINT), but still, better than none.**

**I can tell the majority like it, though, by all the alerts and such, so thanks anyway!**

**Onward with the story.**

* * *

"Oh no. No no no NO!!! This is NOT why I came to London, DAMMIT!!" Energy spent, Allie plopped onto the grass with a sigh, putting her hands over her face tiredly.

The others suddenly grew silent. Curious, Allie peeked through the slits between her fingers. They weren't silent, but whispering to each other.

_I wonder what they're saying..._

"She's officially off the rocker!"

_I am NOT!!_

"So? We _all _are," The rabbit hissed, making the Mouse-Lady huff.

Hatter simply cracked a half-smile, making _him _look like the mad one. "Madness is power."

_I thought knowledge was power??_

"What shall we do with her?"

"Take her to the White Queen, of course."

The rabbit nodded, but Mouse-Lady gasped. "_No_! She could be a spy or traitor, sent to _harm _the Queen!"

Hatter waved her off. "Bah, poppycock. Does she _look _clever enough to harm our lovely Queen?"

They all glanced her way, thinking she was out of earshot, and immediately shook their heads.

_I am so offended right now!! I'm plenty fricking clever, thank you very much!!_

Mouse-Lady made a "Harrumph" noise. "Very well. But you can show her the way, Hatter. I shant come near that foul-mouthed, raggedy savage."

_I have feelings too, you know_, Allie thought moodily.

Allie slowly put her hands down and stood. "Well, we should get this little field trip started."

Mouse-Lady sniffed importantly. "Good luck, Hatter. If she assaults you in a field, I shall simply chuckle."

Allie flushed. _That sounded so perverted, I don't think she even realizes..._

Hatter let out a random laugh at the two, then waved his arm to the right. "Onward, Ms. Allie?"

Allie sighed to herself before trudging behind him.

_This is gonna be one hell of a trip. _

_**

* * *

**_

_**A ****WHILE LATER...**_

"Say, Ms. Allie."

Allie jerked to attention, having been looking like the walking dead before he spoke. "Huh?"

"Why is a raven like a writing desk?"

Allie ruffled her hair in thought. "Hmm..." She thought of her own desk at home, with all the graffiti drawn by her and her college roommate.

"..They both...they both...appear to be covered in ink?"

Hatter momentarily stopped, deep in thought. Allie waited, leaning against a mushroom.

So of course, right as she was about to fall asleep, he suddenly snapped his fingers. "Ah-HA! You might be _correct_, Ms. Allie!"

Allie jumped about a foot off the ground, trying spastically to regain balance before continuing her leisurely pace.

She tried to ignore Hatter's delighted laugh.

"Hey, wait. So you didn't know the answer, yet you asked me anyway?"

"Is the point of a question not to discover the answer?" He replied pleasantly.

This time, Allie was the one who paused to blink. "...Huh. Clever."

* * *

Finally, he put an arm in front of Allie, and she plopped onto the ground with a tired sigh. "PLEASE tell me we're stopping."

"Very clever guess, Ms. Allie." Hatter glanced around. "Underland is not safe when night falls, I'm afraid."

His expression was distant, but then he snapped out of it, cocking his head at the sprawled-out Allie.

"...What?" She asked defensively.

"Ms. Allie, lying out in an open field is not quite the wisest decision," he pointed out.

Allie groaned. "Arrgghh!! Now I have to get _up_!"

She hopped up before putting her hands on her hips. "Well then. Do tell, Mr. Hatter. Where do _you_ suggest I sleep?"

Hatter wordlessly pointed to a totally intact, small house not too far away.

Allie drooped. "...How did I _not _see that?!"

He waved her off. "Don't fret too much on the matter. Fatigue has those effects on a body sometimes."

* * *

Once at the door, Allie knocked rather loudly, making Hatter jump. Obviously she wasn't the _only _tired one.

"Hello? Anyone home?"

They waited. No answer. Allie shrugged and fiddled with her hair, eventually getting the bobby pin out of the tangled mess.

She held it up smugly before starting to pick the lock.

"If no one answers, I'll let myself in. I'm freaking _exhausted_, dammit," she muttered in response to Hatter's skeptical look.

Eventually, it swung open, and he laughed again. "Quite resourceful. Where did you learn such an ability?"

Allie shrugged. "James Bond movies and many late nights."

"James Bond? _Movies_?" Hatter asked himself, following Allie into the house.

It was most definitely abandoned. The fireplace hadn't been used in a while, there were cobwebs in the corners, but it was still furnished.

Allie promptly sprawled out in a corner, too tired to have preferences.

Hatter, obviously being the smart one, found a bedroom for the night.


End file.
